CPAP and Bradies

February 9th

As I wait on the line for Will's nurse, I start to hum along with the "please hold" music. I've memorized every song. The tune of this particular one is upbeat and happy, but I can't help but feel anxious. His nurse answers and I immediately know there's something wrong. My heart skips a beat and I hesitantly ask her how my big guy is doing.

"He's had a rough night," she says.

My heart skips two more beats and I don't want to ask for further details. But I do. She tells me that Will had an episode where he bradied.

Bradied? 

I know I've heard this term before. I can't remember what it means but I know its not a good thing.

She tells me, "Will's heart rate dropped to 40 and his oxygen saturation was at 30%. He turned pale and it took him a while to come back."

So I was right. Brady is not a good term. But why did he brady? Apparently, there was a lot of milk in the back of his throat. Which can only mean he has reflux. In premature babies, reflux can cause a decrease in their heart rate because when the milk comes back up, it stimulates the vagus nerve. At least that's what they think happened. 

And the roller coaster continues. 

February 10th

More bradies. Some days it is so hard to keep the faith.. to keep going. I drive home from my short NICU visit and my heart feels so heavy. The emotional ups and downs are wearing on me. The tears start and I let them come.

The next track on my CD starts and all of a sudden, my emotion turns from pain to peace. I had been listening to the music from "The Lamb of God", which tells about the Savior's last days and His resurrection. At the beginning of this particular song, Thomas didn't have enough faith and didn't believe the apostles when they told him they had seen the Lord.

He sings,

"You've seen the Lord? 

You've seen Him risen? 

You've seen His hands and touched His side and you are certain? 

But I've not seen Him. 

And I must see Him. 

Until I've seen His wounded side, until my hands have felt His hands, 

I will not know nor yet believe." 

Thomas then sees the Lord for himself. The song continues and he pleads with the Savior to help him with his faith.

"My Lord and my God, touch my lips and bid them sing words my tongue would not conceive. 

That my soul my join in praise and forevermore believe. 

Oh touch my heart and bid it know. 

Thou hearest every plea and though I may not see yet thou wilt make me whole again."

The hards days will come. And when I don't feel like I can keep going, I, like Thomas, will plead for my Savior to help me with my faith.

February 12th

I drive to the hospital as soon as Mr. Brigs goes to preschool. I'm pretty sure my car takes me there as if on auto-pilot. Today is a big day for Will. His blood gases have been excellent the last few days and the doctors have been able to ween him on the ventilator. Sooo, they're going to give the CPAP a whirl.

I'm feeling anxious as I walk into the hospital entrance. As I stand in the elevator, I can't help but listen to a conversation a young teenage girl is having with her mother. It is apparent the girl has just given birth. She is very mad at her doctor because her newborn baby had a few bruises after birth.

Bruises?

I want to turn to her and ask if she would rather her baby be breathing or have bruises. But I don't. I choke back my tears and take a deep breath.

I walk into Will's private room and notice extra equipment. They are getting ready to take his breathing tube out. I stand by as they get everything ready and his heart suddenly drops. I immediately start to pat his back and tell him he's OK. But my heart is beating so hard I think it might stop. Maybe I'm over-reacting but I can't help it.

He recovers after a few agonizing minutes and they change him over to the CPAP machine. Now he's doing all the breathing on his own! I keep cheering him on as his chest heaves in and out. I sit by his side for a few hours then leave to take care of my other children. When I get home, the first thing I notice is that my house is clean. My dear sweet friend snuck into my house and cleaned it for me! I have so many angels in my life. A little later, I call into the hospital to get an update. Will's oxygen level is pretty high and he's fighting so hard to keep breathing.

Back to the ventilator.

My good friend gave me some good advice. She said, "Don't be too disappointed if he has to go back on the ventilator. He'll get to the CPAP eventually." Because of this comment, I was mentally prepared for Will to take a step backwards.

I'm just grateful to have him for another day. I love him to pieces and long to have him home where I can snuggle him anytime I want and change his diapers and clean his spit up.

That will truly be heaven on Earth.