Thanksgiving

It is so hard to understand.. to accept. The Doctors tell us that Molly got an infection from the tube placed through her belly button, and the bacteria traveled to her bloodstream. At least that's the medical reason why she's not here.

We were so prepared. For months we were ready for her, for the problems we knew she was going to have. But they were all treatable. And now this? It doesn't make sense.

Molly is already gone, but we sit there and cuddle her for another several minutes. The color in her face quickly changes, just like our lives. I keep thinking this can't be real. This can't be happening.

We finally decide to bring her into the hospital room where we had been staying. We slowly walk down the hall through the NICU. I cradle my Molly tightly and the sorrow is almost more than I can bare. This walk feels like an eternity.

We enter the room and my family is there waiting for us. I'm so grateful they are here and I feel how much they love me. They take turns holding her and there is a special feeling in the room.

The nurse comes in to let us know we can take our time and to let her know when we're ready.

Ready? I will never be ready to hand Molly over and walk away.

I ask the nurse about calling a photographer from the company, As I Lay Me Down to Sleep. They have a group of photographers who volunteer their talents taking pictures for terminally ill children, and those that have recently passed. At one time in my life, I thought about volunteering for this company. I never thought I would be on the receiving end.

She calls a photographer and lets us know she will be here in one hour. I will be eternally grateful to this woman, for dropping all of her Thanksgiving Day plans and coming to take photographs that we will cherish forever.

We start the photo session and again I have that intense feeling of gratitude for my precious family. The photographer takes several pictures and I want it to last forever.

But it doesn't last forever. And my family starts to leave. And the sun starts to go down. And I'm feeling completely desperate to spend just a few more moments with my Molly.

Tyler and I sit on the bed for another hour snuggling her. We cry and pray and then cry some more. And finally, it's time to go.

Tyler calls the nurse and tells her we are ready. She comes into our room and I completely lose it. I cling to Molly and I don't think I can let go. The nurse waits patiently as we tell Molly goodbye and kiss her face over and over. Then, together, we slowly hand her over to the nurse.

And my heart breaks all over.

Today is Thanksgiving. It's the day we give thanks for all of our blessings. What do I have to be thankful for right now, you ask? Although my heart is completely shattered, I have a daughter who has made it. She doesn't have to go through this life with all it's trials and hardships. She's done. And now she is rooting for the rest of us.

I know these things, but right now, I just hurt.

I'm still so grateful for the occasional glimpses of the sun.