Together Forever

Time is passing too quickly. I want this hour to last forever. And I want it to end at the same time.

It’s torture.

Family members come in to say good-bye, my mom and dad, brothers and sister. They all give Molly a tender kiss.

They slowly file out, feeling the deep sorrow in the room.

Now it’s time for Lucie and Brigham to come in. They haven’t seen her yet. I’m dreading the moment they step through the door to meet her, then kiss her good-bye. I don’t want to explain to them what is happening, that Molly isn’t coming home, that she won’t wear the clothes they helped fold for her, that she won’t sleep in the crib we lovingly put together. They’ve waited so patiently my whole pregnancy to meet their sister. They knew she was very special from the beginning. 

I think about the paper chain they made, and how they diligently cut off links everyday. Lucie counted the links often and screamed with excitement. Brigham gave my belly hugs daily, telling Molly he was so excited to be her big brother.

After Molly was born, we found out Lucie and Brigham couldn’t come into the NICU to see their sister. They were heartbroken, especially Lucie. We explained the reasons why they couldn’t see her, that the doctors couldn't risk any germs getting to all the babies. So they continued to wait patiently. 

And now it has come to this. They will meet her the same day they have to say good-bye. I don’t think I can take it.

Tyler and I calm down a little so the children won’t see us this way. We cover Molly’s tubes and “pokes” the best we can so Lucie and Brigham aren’t too nervous or scared.

They walk through the door. I can’t describe what I feel as I sit here with my family. I look at my three amazing children and wonderful husband and feel an overpowering love for them.

Why am I so blessed?

Lucie and Brigham hesitantly come over to Molly. It doesn't take long until they are doting on their baby sister. She has her eyes open and she takes it all in. 

Lucie is so sweet and keeps changing Molly’s hats and wants to take lots of pictures. 

Brigham keeps looking at her fingers and her piggy toes and says how cute they are.

 After a few minutes, it is time for them to leave. Tyler and I want it to just be us in the room when Molly passes. We want to send her to her Heavenly Father, together.

Before the children leave, we sit close. Lucie and Brigham give Molly one last kiss. It is a moment I will never forget. 

We then sing, “Families Can Be Together Forever”, a hymn we sing at our church. The words touch me like never before,

“I have a family here on Earth, they are so good to me.

I want to share my life with them through all Eternity.

Families can be together forever through Heavenly Father’s plan.

I always want to be with my own family, and the Lord has shown me how I can.

The Lord has shown me how I can.”

 Tyler and I can’t sing the last two lines, we’re so overwhelmed. We sit and listen to our children sing, “The Lord has shown me how I can”, and there is an incredible peace in the room. The spirit is so strong and all of a sudden, I KNOW Molly was meant to come to our family. She was meant to live on this earth just a short time, then return to her Heavenly Father.

I am so grateful for this knowledge. I’ve always had a testimony of the Gospel, of our Heavenly Father’s plan, but in this moment, it is so clear. The LORD has shown us the way to be with our families forever. And I want to share the eternities with them.

More than anything.

Brigham and Lucie leave the room and it’s just the three of us again. I know the time is close. With our other children gone, we both break down.

I hold Molly close. I kiss her face over and over, letting my tears fall freely. I touch her button nose and look into her eyes. I tell her over and over how proud I am to be her mama. I tell her what a good fight she gave. I ask her to watch over us, over Lucie and Brigham. I tell her to give her brother Sam a hug, and to look out for him. I am clinging to her so tight, as if I can keep her here if I hold on tight enough.

Molly is suddenly gasping for air. My world is crumbling. The end is so near. I can’t look at her anymore so I bury my head into Tyler’s shoulder. I can’t breathe and I’m halfway aware that I’m praying for Heavenly Father to take me instead. I’m begging. TAKE ME!

Tyler and I hold each other so tightly and wait for it to come. And then….

Molly gives one more gasp.

She’s gone, just like that.

I can't even begin to describe the sorrow I feel. But in this very same moment, I feel an unexpected peace. My heart is overflowing. I think again about what it means to catch a glimpse of the sun during a storm.

The verse from the song we sang echoes in my mind, “I want to share my life with them through all Eternity.” I suddenly have a fierce desire to do everything in my power to make that possible, to be with my Molly again.

I won’t let her down.