sleep

I can't sleep. Or I guess I should say, I can't stay asleep. The nightmares come freely. Every time, Molly is born with a different problem.

And every time, I can't fix it.

As a mother, I'm used to fixing. When Brigham gets a scrape from a fall, Mommy is there to make it all better. When Lucie is upset because Brigham won't take off her princess dress, I am there to smooth things over and talk them through it.

I've never felt so helpless, watching and observing as Doctors and nurses care for my Molly. The worst is when the nurse needs to reposition her. Molly's legs are out of socket and she has a broken femur. So even the slightest movement, Molly winces in pain and can't catch her breathe. It's like a dagger to my heart watching, and not able to DO anything. I want to fix everything. I need to fix everything.

One morning after a fitful sleep, I kneel to pray to my Heavenly Father. I am feeling so inadequate and need some comfort and guidance. I pray and pray and finally it hits me. My Savior can fix her. I am nothing, and He is everything. I raise my white flag to my Savior and surrender to Him. I am His completely. No matter what life brings and what challenges I am asked to endure, as long as I realize my total dependency on my Savior, I will make it through. This is totally out of my hands. It is in the hands of my Master, in the hands that were pierced for me, for Molly. He knows the end of this trial and only He can give me the comfort I so desperately need.  

I surrender.

The next night is the first time I sleep without waking.