no words

I want each of you who are reading these next posts to understand that I’m letting you see a glimpse of an experience that is very personal to me. I never thought I would share this publicly, but I feel that I need to. Thank you for being sensitive and respectful.

How can a mother describe what it is like to watch her child die? There are no words.

I will do my best.

We frantically enter the NICU just as the Neonatologist is listening to Molly’s heart. He is so tender with her and I’m already crying. We rush to Molly’s side and the Doctor slowly lifts his stethoscope. He looks at us with an unspoken sorrow in his eyes.

“I’m so sorry,” he says. “She has maybe an hour.”

My insides feel frozen and I can’t breathe. I want to scream and shout and throw myself on the ground, but I don’t. My ears hear what he says, but my heart refuses to accept. Tyler is by my side as this unseen battle rages inside me.

“Do you want to hold her?” the Doctor asks.

I haven’t held her yet. I’ve wanted to so badly this past week. More than I can say. But to ensure a proper placement for her breathing tube, the Doctors thought it best to move her as little as possible.

Although I desperately want to yes, I almost say no. I feel that if I hold her now, we will be giving up. This is my child and I will never give up hope that a miracle can happen.

The Doctor sees me hesitate and says, “I think you need to hold her. We’ll keep her hooked up to everything.”

My throat is so tight and tears stream down my face. I surrender and silently nod.

The nurses put up partitions to give us privacy. Everyone is quiet and respectful. Tyler and I sit close together as a nurse carefully places Molly in my arms.

As I cradle my baby for the first and last time, I feel a wave of emotion I can’t explain. I look into her face. Her eyes are open and I feel that same bond I felt the first time I saw her eyes. I feel our spirits connect in this very moment. I will be her mama forever and she knows it. She loves me as much as I love her.

Suddenly, its almost more than I can bear.  I don’t think my heart can take it. I don’t think I’ll survive this next hour. I feel Tyler's arms wrap around me and Molly, and I let it all out. Every emotion, every feeling comes tumbling out as we sob together.