The next day, we start making plans for her funeral.
Her funeral. My daughter is going to have a funeral. We are burying our child. This isn't happening.
But it is happening and we don't have a choice. We have to prepare.
So assignments are made, flowers are arranged, and her plot is ordered. And all the while I feel like I'm in a horrible nightmare and no matter how hard I try, I can't wake up.
Friday evening we go to the mall to find a dress for Molly. This is going to be a surreal experience. It's black Friday so all the stores are packed with happy buyers trying to find that "steal of a deal". I want to stop all of them and scream, "Don't you know what happened? How can you all be acting normal when my whole world is shattered?"
We walk slowly from store to store trying to find the right dress. My c-section incision still aches, so we take our time. As we enter Macy's, a husband and wife bustle around us, bags in arms. The woman suddenly mutters under her breath, "Seriously? Can you walk any slower?" I am startled and totally hurt. The woman scurries off but I turn to the husband and say, "I'm so sorry, I just had a c-section." I didn't add the fact that I was shopping for my daughter's funeral. He was shocked that I was so polite and felt horrible for his wife's comment. He apologized a few times, then went to find his wife.
This got me thinking. How many times are we impatient with people, and have absolutely no idea what they are dealing with? How many times has someone cut us off on the freeway and we immediately think, what a jerk. If anything, this experience makes me want to be more patient with people, and try not to judge so quickly. If I'm not patient with other people, how can I expect this woman to be patient and kind to me?
We eventually find the perfect dress. It's a deep red with roses all over the skirt, and I love it.
But I'm completely exhausted now and I want to go to sleep. I want to fall into a deep sleep so I can forget for a moment what is happening.
We grab something to eat then go home.
Tomorrow we will bury my sweet baby Molly. My heart is heavy and I feel like I'm in a daze as I get ready for bed. I think of her empty crib upstairs, her rocking chair nestled in the corner. My milk suddenly comes down and I long to nurse her. The emptiness and ache I feel is indescribable.
Before I sleep, I kneel down to pray. I ask for comfort, for strength beyond my own. I ask him to bless us as we go through the funeral, that we will be filled with the spirit, and that we'll be able to feel of Molly's presence. I thank my Heavenly Father for the strength he has already given me. Without him, I literally would not have been able to make it through the last two days.
I can't remember falling asleep, but I guess I slept a little because I'm suddenly waking up.
And then it hits me like a ton of bricks.
Today's the day.
This got me thinking. How many times are we impatient with people, and have absolutely no idea what they are dealing with? How many times has someone cut us off on the freeway and we immediately think, what a jerk. If anything, this experience makes me want to be more patient with people, and try not to judge so quickly. If I'm not patient with other people, how can I expect this woman to be patient and kind to me?
We eventually find the perfect dress. It's a deep red with roses all over the skirt, and I love it.
But I'm completely exhausted now and I want to go to sleep. I want to fall into a deep sleep so I can forget for a moment what is happening.
We grab something to eat then go home.
Tomorrow we will bury my sweet baby Molly. My heart is heavy and I feel like I'm in a daze as I get ready for bed. I think of her empty crib upstairs, her rocking chair nestled in the corner. My milk suddenly comes down and I long to nurse her. The emptiness and ache I feel is indescribable.
Before I sleep, I kneel down to pray. I ask for comfort, for strength beyond my own. I ask him to bless us as we go through the funeral, that we will be filled with the spirit, and that we'll be able to feel of Molly's presence. I thank my Heavenly Father for the strength he has already given me. Without him, I literally would not have been able to make it through the last two days.
I can't remember falling asleep, but I guess I slept a little because I'm suddenly waking up.
And then it hits me like a ton of bricks.
Today's the day.
When people say to me, "I don't know what is worse, a long goodbye, or a sudden loss..." It is usually comoing from a well meaning person, who loves me and does not realize what they just asked. It used to anger me. Then it hurt me. Now I feel like I know a teeny tiny bit, like a zillionth, of when the Savior uttered, "Father forgive them, they know NOT what they do..." The key to your path is that you are learning something that belongs to YOU. Tyler will feel it in his own way. As your children; Lucie and Brigham grow, they will wonder why you feel the love you do. The beauty of being a child is they have this gift of forgiving and forgetting pretty fast. Others may never feel a thing. That's all ok. The point is like Veronique said Saturday night, when she quoted President Gessel, "Its not about enduring to the end, its about STRIVING to the end..." And in your trials, my trials, everyone's trials, that is really the key. I often remark when asked how "I am?" -- "Well, for some reason these big norwegian shoulders of mine are supposed to be pushing a bigger and bigger wheel I guess." Push along. I have no answers. I awaken all night, every night and the first thing I do is listen for Val's breathing. I have no idea what it will be like when that gift is gone from me. Losing too soon, losing long, losing in pain, losing in life... Its all hard, very hard. You guys are in our prayers and just know that while we may not entirely understand your plight, we do understand ours and feel the blessings of peace and joy as the closeness of the Spirit World encompasses us in such tender, sacred ways. How can I complain about that? Hang in there. You guys are loved deeply by many.
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