Be Still My Soul

When I was young, my mom would always say, "You'll never know how much a parent loves their children until you have your own."

This phrase comes back to me as we drive to the funeral home. Although I know she is no longer here, I realize I'm actually excited to see her little body. It's been two days since we said goodbye at the hospital and I'm anxious to hold her again.

We walk into the funeral home and Lucie instantly runs to Molly and scoops her up. She snuggles her for a few minutes while we greet our family members. When it's time to let others have a turn with Molly, Lucie is reluctant to pass her over. I'm so relieved to see how comfortable she is with Molly. I was concerned about Lucie and Brigham because I didn't know what Molly was going to look like, how much color she was going to have, but she looks perfect. 

We take turns holding her before it's time to dress her in the little red dress. When it's my turn, my motherly instincts take over and I find myself wrapping the blanket snugly around her cold frame. I rock her back and forth and kiss her still-soft cheeks. It is so peaceful and I don't want to move to the next step, to dress her for the viewing. Once that step is over, we will place her in her "basket", as the children call it.

So I take my time and we sit as a family and take pictures. The peaceful feeling in the room is tangible.

The funeral director suddenly enters and the spell is broken. It's time to dress her. 

I tenderly set Molly down on her baby blankets. Tyler and I carefully take off her clothing and place her tiny red dress over her head, followed by tights and a headband. I cradle her once again and the heartbreak of what is happening almost overwhelms me. But the spirit bouys me for the hundredth time, and I accomplish something I never thought I could. I place her in her "basket" and kiss both of her cheeks.

There is an inexplicable force that helps me step away from my baby.

We all pile into cars and head to the church building for the viewing and funeral. We arrive and I realize I need to pump before the viewing starts. Nobody talks about their milk after their baby passes, but it's a very painful part of losing my Molly.

My sister comes with me to comfort and talk with me. She knows I'm going to need the support today, and I can feel of her intense love and concern for me. I feel so blessed to have her and my other family members here for me.

The viewing starts and friends come into the room to express their sympathy for us. We go through the motions and greet everyone. They all tell us how beautiful Molly looks, and how sorry they are for what has happened. I feel so much love coming from every person I see. Again I feel so blessed to have so many amazing people in my life.

Finally, it is time to close her casket. The doors are closed and Tyler's Dad gives a beautiful prayer. After he ends, it is time for our final goodbyes. I bend down to my Molly for the last time. The grief I feel is so intense, so real. What little strength I had earlier is crumbling. I look at my baby girl and feel a sorrow I never thought possible. The ache is burrowed so deep in my heart, I fear it will never find it's way out.

Tyler has his hand on my back as I kiss Molly and hold her face to mine. The tears fall freely.

I slowly step away and cling to Tyler. With a quiet click, the lid of the casket is closed. I take a deep breath and silently ask Heavenly Father to give me strength to walk into the chapel.

Tyler carries Molly to the front of the chapel and lovingly places her next to the beautiful flowers.

The funeral begins and I feel a small degree of peace as we finish the opening song.

Tyler and I bear our testimonies. It is a surreal experience, to say the least. Tyler talks about his precious daughter in such a loving way and I feel my intense love for him. I've never seen him this emotional as he talks about all the experiences he longs to share with his baby girl. He will never take her swimming, teach her to jump rope, build forts with her on rainy days, or take her camping. But he is equally emotional when he talks about being so blessed to be her Daddy, and being excited to have those opportunities with her later.

After we both finish, it is time for us to sing, "Families Can Be Together Forever". As hard as I knew it was going to be, I wanted to do this for Molly. Lucie starts us out and her pure voice pierces the quiet air. The spirit fills the room and I feel my Molly standing close, singing right along with us. My heart swells as we stand there together as a family, singing about being together forever.

There is not a dry eye.

My Dad speaks next. His words are so comforting and I am suddenly struck with an intense love for him. I feel so blessed in this moment to be his little girl.

The closing song is "Be Still My Soul", my favorite hymn. The words speak to every part of my soul.

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;

With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.

Leave to thy God to order and provide;

In every change he faithful will remain.

Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heavenly Friend

Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake

To guide the future as he has the past.

Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;

All now mysterious shall be bright at last.

Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know

His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: The hour is hastening on

When we shall be forever with the Lord,

When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,

Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.

Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,

All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

No matter what we go through in this life, He will be there beside us, guiding us to a joyful end. He will guide the future, and nothing brings me more comfort than this knowledge. 

As we walk out of the church, Tyler carrying our baby girl, I expect to be falling apart. Instead, I feel a strength that is not my own. I feel my Savior's abiding and unconditional love for me and my family. 

And as we drive to the cemetery, the last verse of the closing song plays in my mind. "Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past, all safe and blessed we shall meet at last."