Thoughts

All I want to do is sleep. Exhausted doesn't even describe how I feel.

My sweet mother in law decides to stay for an extra week after the funeral. I literally don't know what I would do if she wasn't here. The whole week, she insists on doing everything. She cleans, cooks, and takes care of the kids.

I am on survival mode.

After she leaves, I find myself alone in my grief for the first time. We had constantly been surrounded by family and loved one.s But now everyone has gone, the flowers and notes have stopped coming. The rest of the world is back to normal, and why shouldn't they be?

I feel like I am frozen in time. I can't go back and change what has happened. And I can't seem to go forward.

The questions and regrets start flooding my mind. What if the infection was caught sooner? What if we had somehow been more aware of what was happening? I wish I had spent more time with her. I wish I had taken more pictures. Why is this happening to us? Aren't we good parents? These discouraging thoughts keep rolling around in my head.

The sky is getting darker. The rain is coming down in sheets. The clouds are so thick I can't breathe. This storm is raging so violently that I wonder, where is the peace I so desire? Where is my sliver of hope? Then I realize that sometimes when you're in a heavy downpour, you have to rise up above the clouds in order to see the bright light of the sun. It was there all along, I just couldn't see it.

Our Savior is always there. Whether we see it or not, He is there! Sometimes He comes to us, and sometimes it is up to us whether we are going to rise above the storm to get to His light.